I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
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Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
the best thing i’ve ever made
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.