Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
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Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
The real reason evolution started..😂
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T