TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
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If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?