HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
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Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
TEETH IS INNOCENT
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.