I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
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Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
WTF IS THAT!
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying