Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
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I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.