doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
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[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Blew my mind.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
my nickname in college
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.