If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
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You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
wait.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing