My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
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[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road