Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
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You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.