I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
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Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
When you kidnap a writer.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
@funTweeters
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.