Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
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ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.