Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
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[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
When news reporters do sports stories
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like