I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
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*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*