Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
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*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.