The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
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5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
When you “pspspsp” too hard