When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
You Might Also Like
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.