I forgot how to panic. Help
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I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato