Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
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Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal