So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
You Might Also Like
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
waiting for halloween be like:
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha