Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
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Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
“Huge”.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
For the baby who has everything
Passwords are more important than ever.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car: