Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
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I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
definitely did not do anything wrong
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people