You Might Also Like
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
😅🤣😂
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going