What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
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Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here