[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
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And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?