When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
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If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I have many caverns
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.