Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
You Might Also Like
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?