A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
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Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
the Monday after daylight savings
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.