I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
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looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
somebody come look at this