Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
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BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
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Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.