My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
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dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Have kids, they said
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything