Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
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This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
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Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”