Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
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Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”