I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
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Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
pizza
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
181.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait