[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
You Might Also Like
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Tell the colonel to bring it
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
My therapist after every session
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*