They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
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WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Should I call tech support or pray or what
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.