My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
You Might Also Like
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
What my back needs
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.