“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
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“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
“HELP WITH CAT”
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”