Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
You Might Also Like
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Yeah. This was me today.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.