Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
You Might Also Like
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.