I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
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wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.