twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
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H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying