Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
You Might Also Like
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
all that yoga finally paid off
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”