I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
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Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Accurate
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
next question.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.