creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
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“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I think this cat is broken
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard