ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
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[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.