[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
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Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?