“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
You Might Also Like
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.