REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
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Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash