JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
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*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Canada has crack?
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot